Saturday, 7 October 2017

Mind over the mattress!

I know, I know, I haven't done much blogging than I used to. This is really is a dark post, so if you are looking for something to read with your cup of coffee. I'm afraid this post isn't for you. This post is really for me than to be helpful or to inspire people. Though if someone says at the end, that really encouraged me to move. Than I will say it's a job done. But actually I just want to get my thoughts down.

You know where you wake up, and your mind is full of negative thoughts? Where you mind is telling you, go back to sleep today is a bad day, even though the day hasn't started. I instantly turned my alarm clock off at 6:00am, walked back to bed, just one more hour in bed, I will get out of bed make porridge.  By other alarm went off two minutes later, this time it's my wrist vibrating, turn that off. Just one more hour, that hour would change everything. My other alarm went off at 7:00am.  Just 10 more minutes until I get my breath. I instantly fall back into bed, snuggled next to my teddy bear Rodger. I woke up at 8:00am, I got out of bed put the kettle on for a cup of coffee. Got myself ready for the ParkRun.



Sometimes the black dog enters my life, it just creeps on you and bounce on you when you don't expect it. You think you got anxiety (enter mental illness) on control. Then this black dog just don't like it when you are happy and got you life together. I nearly let it take my morning away but I told myself if I can get out of bed, move for a bit. As I all I needed to do was to take some steps. Movement doesn't have to be defined by running a marathon. Sometimes it feels like doing a marathon just to get out of bed.

I made it down to the kitchen, I started my morning routine to try and find momentum to get out the front door. I ate some breakfast that I know won't upset my tummy when I start running in less than an hour but can eat reality quickly. I tried and tried to not listen to the voice telling me to return to the safety of my cave aka my warm bed cuddling my teddy bear Rodger. It was hard, I let go and ran quickly to my bedroom and jump into my bed. And asked myself. Why do I run? I run because I can and to free this black dog!! So I soon, left the front door and told myself 'You are strong enough to get this far, you are strong enough to keep going.'

No turning back! I left my tissue back at home. A) Do I run back home. B) Keep heading to the bus stop. If I do A I would risk of not getting out of the front door again and just stay at home with this black dog of mine. Or B just endure a runny nose. I decided to keep heading to the bus stop.

I did the parkrun, it wasn't the best. Physically I struggled because of my right calf was hurting so so so much I tried to walk it off. Then mentally I wasn't able to continue it was like something was telling me not to run. Though I end up talking to someone who used to live in Reading but studies up in Newcastle. Such a small world!! I didn't get a fast time but who cares. I came home without a lead, and no black dog in sight! I left him in the field full of cows where he belong.

Movement doesn't have to be defined as 'I just ran a marathon' Sometimes, getting out of bed and carry on your day to day activities deserves just as much cheer for the strength as someone running a marathon or got a medal for something or even get a PB!! It just comes downs to taking a single breath and say to yourself 'I am enough'.

Some people may call you lazy when your mind is against you, ranting at you, and you cannot face the day ahead despite how hard you try, you just stay in your bedroom where it is safe. I see through that, I see you. Just take a single step with me, go somewhere to drop of that black dog. I'm with you, in your step.

Keep moving......Keep living.


Monday, 11 September 2017

What have I got myself into?

I ran over that tyne bridge! How cool is that?!
Last year, I went to a pub by the quayside seeing people running getting their medals and seeing their massive grins on their faces. You know what I can do that! So here I am, writing this with achy muscles the day after the Great North Run. What was I thinking? 

Most people who run a half marathon train 16 weeks, me nope! I somehow did the Gateshead 10K and haven't put my running shoes on to do serious running since the children break up for summer holiday. What was I doing? I could of logged in some miles at least get my legs going but hey ho. I was walking from town to Byker four days a week, that counts as exercise. Right?

The day before arrived, it hasn't sank in that the next day I'm running 13.1 miles. I did knitting and had to redo my seaming, I was not a happy bunny when I had to take my lastest seaming apart but I must say my knitting does look neat now.  After knitting it was time to get some pasta and oh my goodness look at how many people they are at the Quayside. My friend and I were on a tight schedule, I am not keen on huge crowds either. A a nail hit my head when I was reading the good luck messages while queuing for the pasta party.  That's when reality sank in I am doing the great north run, without sufficient training. What have I done?

So yes, I did the great north run yesterday (Sunday 10th September) with no training. Something I don't recommend! Please don't do it. Note to myself, please train more than you did.


Pasta with leftover chicken from chicken fajitas 

Dinner was two huge bowls of pasta.  I watched a film with cake and a cup of tea before bed. I woke up 6am to make sure i'm up and awake and get a lot of food down me. Porridge, jelly babies, and tracker bar. Yes all of this for breakfast is needed!! Time to get ready, and that's when I cired. I'm doing this!!


I got the bus in to town each direction you looked you saw loads of people, people wearing costumes people wearing charity tops, people wearing running clubs vest. It was awesome. Everyone so excited at the same time nervous. Put the bag on the bus felt like I was heading home. Such a shame I wasn't otherwise I could get a cup of coffee! Then it was time to find my pen and start warming up. That's it, no turning back. I made it! It was awesome, how people talked to each other, amazing people were fundraising for such amazing cause. And yes, I cried by looking at people messages on the the back infact I cried quite often more of that later.

Look at me, at the start line!
The run was good the atmosphere was amazing, people cheering you on, children giving you high fives and throwing water at you. People giving you  jelly babies, ice pops, biscuits and sweets. If you were fast enough and liked beer at mile 10 you could get beer.  I will definitely do this run next year and this time I would train a lot more and maybe get my time down.

I love all of the great north run, firstly was to see Mo running the route backwards. Yes after he ran the route he decided to run it again from South Shields to Newcastle. Because why not? Second was to run on the iconic tyne bridge. I actually ran on the Tyne Bridge where the cars are normally are but not yesterday, yesterday the roads were covered with runner's. Then going underneath the tunnels people were saying 'oggy oggy oggy' towards the end people were saying it though we had no energy to say 'oi oi oi.' Running over the bridge brought me to tears! I was very emotional yesterday.

Lindisfarne, run for home

And they even sang this song, which always gets me. Ever since hearing it in Ryton last year in our local pub at the time just reminded me of all my friends back down south. I was in tears and not just little tears literally sobbing so everyone asked 'Are you OKAY?' I just said yes, it this song. It's weird how a song can bring you to joy but also sadness.

I planned my route out, the first 6 miles was supposed to be a really s-l-o-w pace, then the second half the first half of the half (got that?) was gonna be a really slow parkrun then the second bit of the half a really fast parkrun. What I didn't take into account? Is people. Yes people. Mostly everyone were walking and when you were running it was draining you had to weave in and out of people so sometimes it was quicker to walk than run. How does that even make sense?

Anyhow I made it to the end with a sprint. My instinct is to sprint at the end, don't give me those eyes. When I was younger I used to do running so I can do a mile in a 5 minutes and kilometer in three minutes when I would like to try. I just want to end the run mentally even though my body can easily carry more. Drum roll please. My time was 2hr:58mins:08sec. I'm so chuffed with that, just under three hours with no training mostly walking at a fast pace.

I wanted to phone my Mum saying 'I actually finish the Great North Run, I did it!' Though my phone died or it switched itself off. Hey ho! Why does phone always play up at the moment you need it. I just want my blue hoodie (the one that I'm always wearing). I talked to this person and we were using the same transport to get to town which was the metro. I was so glad we meet each other. Could you imagine queuing a line with no phone, no one to talk to? Me neither. So I got on the metro, it was like back in London on the underground! Yep it was that bad. I went to a shop in the Haymarket (metro station) To ask if I could use a phone to contact Mum to ask where my Mum and Dad are. And this person said yes because A) You ran Great North Run B) The boss is at home. Luckily my folks chose a pub which is two minute walk away and I even had a meal out. And I told my parents and friends, i'm going to run a marathon next. Challenge here I come!!!! With open arms and yes I will do more training this time.

Now phones are weird! I thought my phone was dead, so when I charged my phone up in the pub as you do. I switched it on in order to get to Grandpa's house as I use my phone as a bus ticket. How cool is that? Strava managed to track my run, and even when I was on metro it still managed to track me. How is that even possible? I had to switch my phone on. It makes no sense at all. Technology is now beyond me. You can even get a Garmin watch and pay for something with your watch. That is pretty cool but just weird.

After all that running, i'm having hot coco and rocky roads chocolate brownies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, 11 August 2017

Monthly Musings: June and July

Did you miss me? I know it's been two months since I blogged, how does time just vanish from you that quick. It's not often that you get two Monthly Musings in a row, is it?  In fact, it's not ever that you've had two Monthly Musings in a row. But I have been so busy, busy as meaning living under a rock. Remember in December when I said if I don't blog for such a l-o-n-g time it means that I am reading. 

Well over the last two months I have been doing? (In pictures)


Lots of reading books, here is just a selection. As most of them are from the library which I handed in!
If you can't tell from the t-shirts, I have successfully completed the Blaydon race (1hr 06mins 2sec) and Gateshead 10K (1hr 16mins 5secs) 
Which means I was allowed to have chocolate brownies!

I don't always drink coffee, I also drink tea and eat plenty of chocolate brownies of the last two months! Though it's fine because I run it off. 
Baking!!!!!!!!!!! And eating plenty of cake, if we had no cake in the house,  I will just make it!


Made scones pronounced to make it rhyme with cone! My church just like to rope me in doing things when I drink black coffee! First time, I went to church was to go to the coffee morning got roped in doing messy church. Second time drinking coffee got myself into toddler group. The last time was making 30 scones! This was my third batch the last two looks more like little rock cakes!!!!! Though they would be nice with a pot of tea, clotted cream and strawberry jam. 

Had plenty of pasta when my folks were out for a weekend break. Well I'm doing running, need all my carbohydrates I can get! The pasta I made that has four servings was buttnersquash mac 'n' cheese. 

Cooked myself potato and parsnip gratin with sausages. Though there are no parsnips as I don't like them!!

Tex mex version of mac 'n' cheese. I can live on mac 'n' cheese and chocolate brownies. Not a very good diet, I know.

The old pound coin with the new pound coin

I have rule when making myself hot beverages, which is to stay in the kitchen, as I keep making myself cup of teas in different stages. Entertained myself when the kettle was boiling to make a flower with a big battery as the middle bit of the flower than my hearing aids battery as the petals.

Every year, I make it my intention to taste all the summer specials in Costa. So here is one of them. I forget what it is! Have I told you have a goldfish memory?


I went to Jesmond Dene received a text from my friend to go the hoppings only to look after her bag. Nope!! I managed to get on the rides for free or half of the price. Have no idea how I managed to do that, though I'm still not keen on rides, I enjoyed it to an extent but I wasn't overall happy not like my friend who was just grinning the whole evening! I was grinning went I went home to do knitting! 

Hopefully, I would August wrap up on time! 

Sunday, 4 June 2017

Monthly musings: May

Before you start reading, grab a cuppa because it's going to be a l--o--n--g catch up.

Panorama of the main attractions by the quayside (millennium bridge, Baltic, Sage, River tyne and the River Tyne bridge)

However difficult like may seem, there is something you can do and succeed at. 

A month where I re-read books and one them just happened to be 'Theory of everything' and the quote I shared with you is from Stephen Hawking. That quote really spoke to me this month, when everything started crumbling down with my mental health things looked uncertain for my future. I year since my relative passed away. Missing my awesome friends who knows how to deal with me when upset.

I have had such a long reading slump it wasn't until recently where I can enjoy reading again maybe to much. I got on a bus to go home and read my book as I normally would do only finding myself back into town again and I'm sure I have left Newcastle, checked my phone to make sure I'm not going crazy. For once, I wasn't going crazy I have managed to read my book on a bus when it made the trip to Walbottle and back to town again.

Rodger (Teddy bear)  in different positions

At college, i'm doing my last project which is a project where I get to decide what to do and which bit of digital design I would like to do. No brainer, I chose to do photography and it really made me pick up my phone or my camera and start taking pictures. The panorama is one of the things we had to and so was multiplicity (picture above). My parents were out,( I thought) they came in the living room at the worst time possible. I was putting Rodger in a position, used the TV speaker as a tripod with all the props I would like to use dotted around the living room. In the kitchen I made cups of tea but forget about them. If I get myself in a rut, I put a the kettle on and make a cup of tea. Impatience, Rebecca doesn't stand still so I would do other things while the kettle boiling they were three cups of tea in the kitchen at different stages. One of them was a full cup of tea just a matter of drinking it hot. One of them had the tea bag in and just needs removing though has milk. Whereas the last cup only had the tea bag and milk. I thought, I could get away with that. Though nope. So I now have to stay in the kitchen and w-a-i-t and w-a-i-t. I am also very good at forgetting I have made a hot drink so I tend to drink my hot beverage cold. Though you can get ice coffee and tea which does taste good though having made a hot drink in order to drink it hot though only finding yourself to drink it cold. Does not taste good. Though I drink it anyhow!

I wonder if  Roger can continue knitting my cardigan for me!

Speaking about knitting. Time to show you how much progress I made with help from Roger!

Back of my cardigan

Either a left or a right sleeve

I knitted a side pair last month andI the other side this month
Some weeks I had the joy of going to two knitting clubs in one week. One on a Tuesday and one on a Saturday. You can tell, i'm into this knitting. Can't you?

This month, I had more time on my hands.  I unfortunately had no weeks of running. Don't look at me like that! I had two weeks of because of annoying dreaded shin splints. I now know why, because I have flat feet and most of my shoes got no arch support. Trying to find shoes that has arch support is proving to be difficult than it seems. I then had another week because of an ear infection. I just have a week to get to grips with running and at the end of the week I have Blaydon race. How bad can I be?

Finally my Dad a full weekend off! Which meant a family day out all three of us. Something that is unheard of as normally my Mum and Dad go out, I stay at home and read books do knitting. Maybe a bit of cleaning. I could have my cheesy chips but there weren't any cheesy chips they were chips that were loaded with your desired filling. I chose mexican chicken with a side of cheese! We would walk, five thousand more. We then decided to go for a long walk from Whitley bay to Tynemouth or that is what my folks said. I didn't it was long though it was raining so we did walk at a brisk pace to go Tynemouth. I had a very nice hot chocolate, I was cold. And i'm fussy with my tea and I'm trying to cut down on my caffeine intake.


Maths+pens=coffee

May means two exams. One at the beginning which was English. I think that one went ok. The actual exam wasn't to bad there were things that could potentially trip me up and I just hope the examiner could read my writing it's so tiny but very intricate. I then had another exam at the end of the month which was Maths. Another exam to go and then that should mean no longer doing Maths and English.



It was my birthday this month, I even had a present from the exam board though only had it for 1hr and 45 minutes. Yep the Maths Exam. The next Maths exam is on the 8th June which is the election.

Birthday presents

Some of these are from my money last year, though most of you won't get to see what I got from the money you gave me. As I tend to get a bus if we are having a day out though the weather is to warm to wear a jacket but to cold just to get away from wearing a jumper. I decided to get a gilet (bodywarmer). As most of cardigans are worn out I decided to treat myself to FatFace cardigan it was in the sale. And I got some more money, I'm hoping to get a pair of shoes with some arch support or a Superdry hoodie!

When I was in Farnborough and was working I got so bad at buying books. My friends had to hold my hands when walking pass book shops therefore, I cannot get any books. Such bad friends. (Thanks Cherry and Crazy Rachel) I only went to Waterstones to ask about book clubs as no one reads books up here. I was at Waterstones I could have a look at the books, doesn't mean I have to buy it. Right? Though I stumbled over a book called 'Holding up the universe by Jennifer Niven' I couldn't resist it especially as one of the character as 'prosopagnosia' (face blind). I only bought one book and not a handful. So least I made progress!

I told my parents not to get me anything as they got me plenty. They pay for my running races, got my bike fixed and cleaning products. Even my Dad cleaned my bike for me. But nope they decided to get something little, I got some body shop things like showel gel and a book which I told my parents about!

A picture that I didn't take

Again it's been a month where I wasn't sure where i'm going. Am I going to the world of work? Or stay at college for another two years even three? Or listen to my folks and see where apprenticeship might lead? Decisions, decisions.

I was confused on all the different options and unsure if I could get funded for college. I decided to speak to a careers advisor. Though I decided to apply for an apprenticeship as I had a three years of college and think I should start earning some money and start on the career leader. I had an interview at the end of May and got accepted for childcare apprenticeship which starts on the 7th August.

When I was in Crawcrook, I explored the different cafes around my local area. I'm doing the same thing though in town. I met up with my friend for a cup of tea at the Qulliams Brothers it has over 60 choice of tea. It is like you are entering a living room-some areas in the cafe you sit on the cushions it's so comfy and it the cafe even serves carrot cake. It was a difficult choice to decide on a pot of tea to have and what cake to have. It has loads of flapjack. I am eager to go again.


There was an open day event at my college for childcare. I had about an hour to get something to eat for dinner as I had knitting club. So that meant one and only place. Mcdonald's. I'm in no rush to go again, next time I will go to Five guys. See i'm not all that posh!!!!!!!!

That's my tea and cake sorted out!


Oh and no! I didn't ate the whole lot!! I had a holiday and was bored on one day so I decided to bake a cake.  It was so sweet and so glad I got some clotted cream. Though I had a problem Mum and Dad aren't big cakes eaters. Not like me! I had no friends where I normally give them cake if I have too much. I decided to give 3/4 of it to my church,  that way it cannot get to waste and other people might enjoy it better. I found it nice but I could only have a slither as it was far to sweet. I will stick to cake with fruit or vegetable as it takes away the sweetness away plus it counts towards one of your 1 of you five a day. Or is seven now?

Wednesday, 10 May 2017

Mindful walk

Yep, I have definitely gone mad. Running has come to a standstill as I got shin splints and doing nothing isn't in my dictionary. My mind is playing tricks on me, cannot run otherwise I would risk of getting a bone fracture. So I had no choice either to let my mind control me or I control my mind.

See it makes perfect sense, really? Walking in a purpose of being mindful doesn't come very easily. I'm used to getting A to B very quickly. Sort of auto robert, getting to a place to buy things and back home. Or walking to my college at a brisk pace because I have a lesson. I never have time where I really walk just because it's a fun thing to do. Look over there, is a lovely flower. Or look over there, what a gorgeous bird is flying in the sky?

I like doing mindfulness as it brings you back to reality. Your mind cannot control you. You are only in control! I find it really helpful when I leave my phone at home and just bring myself and a camera. When my mind is taking over taking a photo brings me back to reality.

I might else well show you what I captured with my digital camera!












You also tell, I very much like flowers! Can't you?

Please excuse me while I do knitting for the rest of the evening.

Saturday, 6 May 2017

Monthly musings: April



All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” - Charles M. Schulz

I'm writing this by being blinded by the sun, window open. I think the summer is here. I don't want to rejoice that much in case the sun goes away. 

My Mum did some calculations at the beginning of the Month, it been a year since we knew about Dad redundancy and a whole six months of living in Westerhope. (And still no house tour.) Where has that time gone? 

April has been weird month for me with my well being. I have been so overwhelmed thank goodness I had the Easter holidays when I did. To recover, by going off the grid. Though I did respond to messages that were deemed to be important. You know where everything gets to you and you cannot seem to run away and hide. Then sort things out.

Running progress

I can now run 8K, with a bit of walking-only because I have to the cross over the road. One day I even managed to run 14K. I ran 6K in the morning that I was intending to do before college just for my sanity. I then had a such a bad day at college, I ran another 8K in the evening  Even got a runner high as they call it. You can see i'm into this runner business, can't you? I had to run though one major problem 'hitting the wall.' I'm sure hitting an actual wall is less painful than hitting the wall while exercising. I only managed 5.5K in an hour run, where I could normal run 8K in an hour with a face pace but a 6k where I am comfortable.

April meant one thing for my running. I got PB (personal best) for the parkrun where you run 5km for run on Saturday morning. Just you and the stopwatch.  Not just once but twice in one month. That meant I could eat twice in 'Creames'. Believe it or not, I haven't. My first time I got a PB my Mum got me some yarn and I'm knitting myself a cardigan. The second time I got a PB, is a token to go to 'Creames' as my Dad wants to go. I will have to wait much longer.



I also got my Blaydon race number through the post. About a month to go and still have no idea about the song. It's all on in Geordie even the information booklet is. My Mum had to translate it for me!

College


I am now getting there with my work load. My well being plummet right down and college work left to the backseat where my emotions were everywhere it was even driving the vehicle. Though now my mind is and things are getting done, slowly but surely. That's for certain. I now have two projects on the go though they link to each other very well. So hopefully I can get them done before the marking is over. 

I have made a firm decision where my career is going. It's not photography. Computers and I don't get along and I much prefer working with young children and I think I am more academic than generating ideas. Especially creative ones. I'm not good at coming up with idea on my feet, I much prefer solitude time to myself analyze the idea. Maybe I over analyze things. Is that even a thing?

Personal life


The weather even allows me to put the washing outside to dry!
I didn't do things out of the ordinary, this Month. It could be summarized as knitting and running. Though my lovely calendar said, that I met up with two of my friends One on a bank holiday Monday where I met Clementine in Durham for a quick coffee and went for a short walk in the city. I didn't want to spend a lot of  time with my friend because she was visiting her relatives. I met another friend in  Newcastle town for a cup of a tea. Thanks for a lovey afternoons, Clementine and Alice! 

Mum and I had some 'Mum and Daughter time' One of them was to see 'beauty and the beast' which was so lovely. I just had 'be our guest' song in my head for the entire month. The other time was having a walk in town seeing all the historic buildings.Which meant one thing, after the walk we could get a well earned drink. Though my Mum don't ask me which pub to go to as I just go to the expensive ones. I don't mean to.



Speaking about drinks, I had my first alcoholic drink that I enjoyed though took me three hours to drink 'Kopparberg' even then it was half the bottle. I will just stick to appletiser!

Knitting progress with pictures

My left knitted sipper. Can you tell I like purple! There should be button where my finger is.

A bit of my knitted cardigan!

Friday, 5 May 2017

The Shack




My church that I attend has their own library so after having a cup of coffee, I was admiring the lovely books that was out. A lot of people told me that the shack was a good read. So I took that book out. I have just finished it this morning, I started it on the bank holiday Monday. As I got an exam today I had to leave my book downstairs otherwise I would not get my nine hours sleep otherwise I would finished it yesterday evening!

I enjoyed reading it, that's for sure. It brought me to tears. Though reading the shack for theology point of perspective I don't like it. It's very poor. From what I understand from the book, that bad things happens because God created a freewill. So it is our own fault things happen? Or is just life being chaotic and random? I notice in my life when bad things happen, I get closer to God than ever not by praying and resent it to God. having bad things happen in life make you stronger. Cliched as it sounds, I believe that.

If this book wasn't recommended by my church congregation, the chances are I would give up reading. The entire beginning of the book bored me. I had to make endless cups of tea just so I could read it. Though after I got through the beginning it changing from being boring very thrilling because there were interesting things going on, When it came together at the end, I did have a greater appreciation of the way plot elements came together, but most of the time thought certain components of the story weren't very well done.

I re-read one paragraph where the author uses nine similes! Two of them concern tears and are in the same sentence. Someone please sit this author down and explain that similes and metaphors are to open windows. We don't need an entire glass factory delivered to us every page. (You can tell I have an English exam, can't you?

Please hear me out with these three paragraphs.

Aside from the cursing, I couldn’t believe it when members of the Trinity began to appear to the main character as black women.  Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about race, it is about gender and the representation of God.

Representing God the Father as any image or human is a serious error even in fiction. We are not to build an image in our minds of God--we cannot "reduce" Him to our level of comprehension as He is so far above us in all things. Jesus had to die a painful death to reconcile us as sinful humans to God the Father due to His holiness. Jesus is the bridge and mediator, we cannot approach God apart from Him, let alone misrepresent Him in this careless way.

Why represent God as a woman? The Bible makes it clear that the authority structure is for a man to be at the head. The Shack is more dangerous because it feeds society's attempts to undermine the biblical gender roles and provides direct support for the feminist agenda. Christians should be standing against cultural trends where they conflict with the Bible, not promoting and supporting them.

I was very annoyed and frustrated by the profanity and don’t think it's ever okay for a Christian to swear or use blasphemy in their books whether fiction or non-fiction

We need to remember that it is the broad way that leads to destruction and the narrow way to life. In the latter times, people will gather teachers that say what their itching ears want to hear and we are warned that many will be deceived. The popular way is not God's way. Simply put in this modification of a quotation from G. K. Chesterton,

Wrong is wrong even if everyone else is doing it. Right is right even if no one else is doing it