Thursday, 22 March 2018

What a run!

First time ever since a long time, on purpose I left my phone at home, took my fitbit off and run, with no plan, no destination, no maps. Just two feet and roads! In the end I run to Wylam and back via a massive hill. And something just hit me, O.K. first off don't worry I am not injured just has a light bulb moment. I haven't been doing any Christianity work, apart from going to church I tend to set aside ten minutes in the morning reading the bible and ten minutes in the evening. Recently, that came to a standstill. So as I was running and let my mind go off on one. I thought to myself, you know what I miss reading the bible and getting closer to God.

I like Lent, it gives us a chance to start new, with a new clean slate, though first of all you have confess any sins and receiving absolution. I have been taking part in Lent, again like last year I didn't give up something as I always found that my attention is not Jesus it's on that one particular thing that I gave up. Instead, I had the phrase 'What Would Jesus Do?' and do one thing for someone like sending them a card saying you miss them. Say hello to someone! Really simple things, but it can make a difference to that person who receives your kindness. In a way, it shows Jesus love.

Despite how it can often feel, Christianity is not about manufacturing suitable emotions.  Christianity is a statement of fact.  Christ reigns.  I do not.  However sinful I do or do not feel, Lent is a time of moving myself from a throne to a cross, in order that Christ may move from a cross to a throne.

We are now about to enter a week called, 'Holy Week,' we are reminded of what Jesus did for us and how His actions define Him. Because He rose from the grave, we know that Jesus is the author and perfecter of our lives. He is our security and significance.

I decided after I came back from my run, that I would be writing a series, called 'Journey to the cross.' I feel the name fit quite appropriately, since I am nowhere near the cross  and following Jesus. After all in holy week and easter as a whole we are reminded that Jesus died on the Cross for us, for our sins.

If you are interested in reading the 'Journey to the cross,' come back on the Sunday 25th March, I got a bit writing to do till then!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, 13 March 2018


Trees, trees, trees
Branches, sticks, leaves
Whipping, gashing, slashing at my arms
I can't get away no matter how fast I run

Tripping, falling, crawling on the floor
Ragged cuts, tattered clothes, jagged breathing as I start to slow
My eyes are heavy, my vision blurred
Distant images start to stir

He's right behind me, he's catching up
I have to keep moving, but my legs have had enough
Getting dizzy, about to pass out, a distant figure starts to stand out
A distant scream, a whispered plea, I can't believe it came from me

Pulse is racing, a feeling of hands, a gentle hush as I'm helped to stand
It's him, he's caught me, please strength don't leave me yet
Let me be anything but his sullied pet
I have to leave, I have to get away, I fall to my knees and let my head sway

Stopping, he stares at me and gives a mirrored laugh
Then he reaches for me as I start to move back
I'm to slow, he's to fast, I can't get away, he's taking me back
I can't let this happen, I must react

Head's too fuzzy, I'm getting too weak
I'm stumbling over my own feet
One chance, a pull, a twist, a pop and a moan
I'm not the one with a broken bone

I'm still running, he's still coming
My strength's about to give out
Dead end, cliffs end, water and rocks below
Tell me, if you had a choice which way would you go?

Anxiety got a big grasp of me, I was trying to walk away from it more like jogging. I decided to write a poem about what I am thinking and feeling. I just have to move forward, somehow-muster some strength.

Saturday, 17 February 2018

Running against the riptide

All I want to do is run,
Run away from my emotions
Run away from my conflicts

Run because that's all I can do.
Swim because that's all I can do.
Cycle because that's all I can do.
Am I training for a triathlon?

Mind doesn't get on.
It tells me 
I am not good enough
I am lazy
I am not clever 
I don't have any potentional

Yet people tell me,
You are worth it
Am I?

I'm running against a riptide
Away from the darkness
Before it engulfs me
And eats me up

Running away is easy
Running on pavements is easy
Overcome those annoying thoughts
Isn't so easy.

Is it courage to run away
Or to put up with it

Why now?
The sun is out.
I could be reading my book outside yet
My mind is full of useless thoughts

Just anxiery playing up
It will slide up again 
And not down into a spiral
How low can get the spiral get?

How long would that take?
The jounrey that is never my miles, or meters.

Who knows how long the journey would take?
That could be an hour time
That could be in a day time
That could be in a week time
That could be in a month time
That could be in a year time

Who knows?

Who knows what to do with anxious mind?
Bake cakes

Its like waiting for the world to end

What can you do when anxiety consumes you?
Before eats you up

Saturday, 25 November 2017

Knock knock!

Who's there?
Rebecca Who?
See you have already forgotten me!

OK, I know it's a terrible joke. Right? Just to warn you my fellows readers, I am writing this with endless cups of coffee, you might as well grab a hot drink and get some biscuits out. Just don't let me near those chocolate digestives nor any hobnobs they might end up having legs and go on a walk!!!!!!

This blog has been a bit neglected, hasn't it? Sorry for those who keep refreshing their browsers. I am back to blogging again, I think!! Don't get your hopes ready, though.  Guessing this is the point where, I explain why I haven't been blogging. Well if you cast your mind back to the previous post, you can probably tell I am not with it, and struggling with my mental well being. I have been right in the dumps and every time I see the light at the end of the tunnel I get spun around in the dark again. I started typing up the August monthly musings, and I might as well share it with you.

Just how much stuff do I need for a few days away?
So the last few days of July and beginning of August I was Down South for a very brief few days to see my family and relatives. I had a day swimming with my Cousin Seth, Auntie Clare and my Grandma.  All that hard work of swimming and been splashed by Seth it was time for a nice cup of coffee and carrot cake. After all, it has a serving of vegetable so it counts 1 of my 5 day. I had a day seeing my friend from my course in Farnborough for a nice coffee and lunch out. It was such a shame I didn't had a lot of time on my hands otherwise I could go out for a run. I had a very good day with my friends from school which did involve baking from an old fashioned cookery book, marshmallows been thrown at Lawrence and he did some magic in the kitchen, making a cake in 1 minute. (Is that even possible?)  Then I met up my with my friend Michal  with a nice cup of coffee in my local cafĂ©, well used to be my local-which was really lovely. Then I walked back to my old house to see my next door neighbour and my parents for the lift back to my Grandparents. Unfortunately I couldn't go out for a run as I ate loads of cake and marshmallows, well the ones that weren't on the floor. Oh yeah, and my friend Lydia did the 'Chubby Bunny' challenge. My last day, was spent in the garden doing gardening! And a very l---o---n---g journey back home. Gosh that was exhausting just writing about it!

That really has been the highlight of the last three-four months. I am going to get back in gear with this monthly catch up starting again in December monthly musings!

Who said, you cannot make a ox bow lake, when you're on the beach?
Well there is one other thing that happened in August, my friend Lawrence came up for a few days. Which has been a rather busy few days mainly exploring Newcastle and lots of walking!! Who needs a car, when you have feet and a good transport link?! We visited The Angel of North, and visited a beach, though we had to walk quite a bit for our "fish 'n' chips." We walked to a KFC had our brunch, we were half way into town so we decided to walk to town via the cows field. Still hate walking into a cows field, even though we named each cow "Frankie and Bennie." Explored the town center a bit more and went to a tea house. For some odd reason, Lawrence and I decided to watch Tomas the tank engine. I think I can now see, why my friends are bit worried about me!
Sunset by the river tyne!!
I think this is my new favorite photo! I had my grandparents over for a few days. My Dad walked my grandparents off at Beamish. The next day Dad and I walked my grandparents off in Newcastle city center. The following day my grandparents were planning to go home, maybe it's so they can actually relax!! But they stayed another day to recover from the busy two days. You can tell our family loves walking!! Can't you?

Time for a story. Make that two stories. I went to waitrose to get  a sweet treat, only one rule it has to be reduced. Second thing was to get some oil. And finally a free coffee. The person who served me asked, "How old are you?" I said, "I am 19 years old" Can I see your proof, please, you are a bit young to be 19." "HMMMMM, I'm afraid I don't have anything to say that I am 19 years old" My friend Phillipa was giggling to herself near the sweets section. Eventually when she stopped giggling she showed her university card and told the person who served me "She is 19, but acts like a 5 year old" REALLY!!!!!!!

So it's still Halloween, people knocking on your doors for "Trick or treat" I cannot remember what I did last year, and said to my Mum,"I don't think we are going to get a lot of knockers." Oh boy, was I wrong. Every time I was away from the door, there was a knock, I was running saying "I am coming" It started with a box full of sweets thought to myself, these are mine. Surely we will have no knockers. Soon that box full of sweets came to a handful, maybe I should put some fruit in just to make the box more full. Guess what? Children were actually picking the fruit. Next year, the box would only contain the fruit and box with the sweets is mine. I am not sharing. Anyhow, who said sharing is compulsory?

Pondering about life

I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, as in long term and what is the next step on my life journey. Life is never easy, you think you got it figured out. Then it just gives you a massive snake to climb down and you end up where you started.  I did a 12 weeks course for level one childcare, which I have passed.

Image result for hygge
What is not to like about Hygge?
Thinking about having a year or two working full time, in order to save up money for university to study for psychology. However, I am unsure whether or not this is a good thing to do. As the subject psychology is a very broad subject and I don't really have a career aspiration. Speaking about aspiration, I would like to move to either Denmark or Germany.

I embarked a new project, the project 333 where you have 33 clothes and accessories for three months. That seemed a bit of  a daunting project, so I put all the clothes that can only be worn in one season in a suitcase. Anything that I only wear once in the suitcase. Okay the tricky part, what items of clothing do I not wear? Not an easy task, when you tell yourself  'I will wear that one day' chances are if hasn't been worn that one day you will wear it would never happen. I got a whole suitcase full of clothing that I only wear depending on season, items of clothing that I only worn once. And items of clothing I do not wear. I thought, I would end up buying my clothing or miss my clothes. Actually I don't! And one good thing, is that when I walk into a clothing shop, I don't end up loving things as I used to, instead. I ask myself, "Do I truly need this?" "Can you wear this in other seasons?" "Does it match with the clothing I already have" "Can I afford this?" Which is also goes hand in hand with Frugal living, hence the lookout for reduced sweet treats!

Recipe time

See, I do wash up!!!!
Before I tell you my recipe, I have to tell you the story first. My parents were out in evening, I was listening to a podcast and knitting away. I was determined to get my back of my jumper done this evening, no matter what time of actually finishing it. None of the chores that should be done was done. So quickly I made a cup of tea, running around to make sure what needs to be done was done. Saw the time! 8:30 Parents are back soon, what can I make really quickly. HMMMM Skype message my friends "Hi, I sort of got carried away with time. I need something quick and easy to cook, any ideas?" One of my friends in Germany called Rachel. Messaged me back, "You can make, penne all'arrabbiata in thirty minutes." She even gave me a link, I had a chili that needs to be used up  and had majority of the ingredients in the house apart from the Pecorino cheese though mature cheddar cheese would do the job. 

MMM.... pasta loaded with cheese!

My adaption to the recipe:

Dash of oil
1 fresh finely chopped chili
1-3 clove of glove finely chopped
1 can of tomatoes (could be chopped or just normal)
1-2 teaspoon of sugar
1 vegetable oxo cube
200g of pasta
Either fresh parsley or dried
Pecorino cheese or any cheese you have

1) Put the kettle on, for the boiling water for pasta and your cup of tea. While the kettle is boiling, put a small pan on  medium heat with a dash of oil, meanwhile put the garlic in a class jar with the lid on, and shake it up and down for around 30 seconds this is to take the skin of the garlic off. Chop the garlic up really finely. If you like your food spicy then just chop chili, whereas if you are like me you just like the flavor of chili but not so much of the kick then remove the seeds out of the chili and wash you hands no touching eyes. They will sting like made, even worse than chopping an onion. The kettle should be boiled, so put that into another saucepan, make your cup of tea. Put the garlic and chili in the saucepan for two minutes or until the garlic is soft and golden, whatever you do, do not let it go burn. It taste revolting! 
2) Put the pasta in the saucepan full of water. 
3) When the chili and garlic turns into that nice golden colour, you put the chopped tomatoes in, if you don't have chopped tomatoes an normal tinned of tomatoes would do. Use scissors to cut the tomatoes up. Season with pepper and salt if you wish, I sometimes find the chopped tomatoes on a sour taste so I put either one teaspoon of sugar in maybe two, with one vegetable oxo cube. You normally dissolve it in boiling water, though sometimes you just want the flavor not the liquid so I find if you grind it with your fingers it does the job. 
4) When the pasta is done to your taste, I like my pasta to be al dente, reserve some of the liquid to add to your sauce this will give the sauce more body because of the starchiness. Add the sauce into the pasta for  minute. 
5) Put your dish in the microwave for a minute,  sprinkle some parsley on your penne all'arrabbiata. If you don't have any fresh parsley you could if you wish use dried and put that in the step three after you put the vegetable oxo cube in. Grate some cheese if you got some Pecorino cheese lurking in the fridge than serve it what that, if not and you just got normal cheese in your fridge use that. 
6) Enjoy you pasta! 

Cuddling up with a book with a hot drink while the fire is on. Digital image. The NBC news. 13 February 2017. Web. 24th November 2017. <>

Saturday, 7 October 2017

Mind over the mattress!

I know, I know, I haven't done much blogging than I used to. This is really is a dark post, so if you are looking for something to read with your cup of coffee. I'm afraid this post isn't for you. This post is really for me than to be helpful or to inspire people. Though if someone says at the end, that really encouraged me to move. Than I will say it's a job done. But actually I just want to get my thoughts down.

You know where you wake up, and your mind is full of negative thoughts? Where you mind is telling you, go back to sleep today is a bad day, even though the day hasn't started. I instantly turned my alarm clock off at 6:00am, walked back to bed, just one more hour in bed, I will get out of bed make porridge.  By other alarm went off two minutes later, this time it's my wrist vibrating, turn that off. Just one more hour, that hour would change everything. My other alarm went off at 7:00am.  Just 10 more minutes until I get my breath. I instantly fall back into bed, snuggled next to my teddy bear Rodger. I woke up at 8:00am, I got out of bed put the kettle on for a cup of coffee. Got myself ready for the ParkRun.

Sometimes the black dog enters my life, it just creeps on you and bounce on you when you don't expect it. You think you got anxiety (enter mental illness) on control. Then this black dog just don't like it when you are happy and got you life together. I nearly let it take my morning away but I told myself if I can get out of bed, move for a bit. As I all I needed to do was to take some steps. Movement doesn't have to be defined by running a marathon. Sometimes it feels like doing a marathon just to get out of bed.

I made it down to the kitchen, I started my morning routine to try and find momentum to get out the front door. I ate some breakfast that I know won't upset my tummy when I start running in less than an hour but can eat reality quickly. I tried and tried to not listen to the voice telling me to return to the safety of my cave aka my warm bed cuddling my teddy bear Rodger. It was hard, I let go and ran quickly to my bedroom and jump into my bed. And asked myself. Why do I run? I run because I can and to free this black dog!! So I soon, left the front door and told myself 'You are strong enough to get this far, you are strong enough to keep going.'

No turning back! I left my tissue back at home. A) Do I run back home. B) Keep heading to the bus stop. If I do A I would risk of not getting out of the front door again and just stay at home with this black dog of mine. Or B just endure a runny nose. I decided to keep heading to the bus stop.

I did the parkrun, it wasn't the best. Physically I struggled because of my right calf was hurting so so so much I tried to walk it off. Then mentally I wasn't able to continue it was like something was telling me not to run. Though I end up talking to someone who used to live in Reading but studies up in Newcastle. Such a small world!! I didn't get a fast time but who cares. I came home without a lead, and no black dog in sight! I left him in the field full of cows where he belong.

Movement doesn't have to be defined as 'I just ran a marathon' Sometimes, getting out of bed and carry on your day to day activities deserves just as much cheer for the strength as someone running a marathon or got a medal for something or even get a PB!! It just comes downs to taking a single breath and say to yourself 'I am enough'.

Some people may call you lazy when your mind is against you, ranting at you, and you cannot face the day ahead despite how hard you try, you just stay in your bedroom where it is safe. I see through that, I see you. Just take a single step with me, go somewhere to drop of that black dog. I'm with you, in your step.

Keep moving......Keep living.

Monday, 11 September 2017

What have I got myself into?

I ran over that tyne bridge! How cool is that?!
Last year, I went to a pub by the quayside seeing people running getting their medals and seeing their massive grins on their faces. You know what I can do that! So here I am, writing this with achy muscles the day after the Great North Run. What was I thinking? 

Most people who run a half marathon train 16 weeks, me nope! I somehow did the Gateshead 10K and haven't put my running shoes on to do serious running since the children break up for summer holiday. What was I doing? I could of logged in some miles at least get my legs going but hey ho. I was walking from town to Byker four days a week, that counts as exercise. Right?

The day before arrived, it hasn't sank in that the next day I'm running 13.1 miles. I did knitting and had to redo my seaming, I was not a happy bunny when I had to take my lastest seaming apart but I must say my knitting does look neat now.  After knitting it was time to get some pasta and oh my goodness look at how many people they are at the Quayside. My friend and I were on a tight schedule, I am not keen on huge crowds either. A a nail hit my head when I was reading the good luck messages while queuing for the pasta party.  That's when reality sank in I am doing the great north run, without sufficient training. What have I done?

So yes, I did the great north run yesterday (Sunday 10th September) with no training. Something I don't recommend! Please don't do it. Note to myself, please train more than you did.

Pasta with leftover chicken from chicken fajitas 

Dinner was two huge bowls of pasta.  I watched a film with cake and a cup of tea before bed. I woke up 6am to make sure i'm up and awake and get a lot of food down me. Porridge, jelly babies, and tracker bar. Yes all of this for breakfast is needed!! Time to get ready, and that's when I cired. I'm doing this!!

I got the bus in to town each direction you looked you saw loads of people, people wearing costumes people wearing charity tops, people wearing running clubs vest. It was awesome. Everyone so excited at the same time nervous. Put the bag on the bus felt like I was heading home. Such a shame I wasn't otherwise I could get a cup of coffee! Then it was time to find my pen and start warming up. That's it, no turning back. I made it! It was awesome, how people talked to each other, amazing people were fundraising for such amazing cause. And yes, I cried by looking at people messages on the the back infact I cried quite often more of that later.

Look at me, at the start line!
The run was good the atmosphere was amazing, people cheering you on, children giving you high fives and throwing water at you. People giving you  jelly babies, ice pops, biscuits and sweets. If you were fast enough and liked beer at mile 10 you could get beer.  I will definitely do this run next year and this time I would train a lot more and maybe get my time down.

I love all of the great north run, firstly was to see Mo running the route backwards. Yes after he ran the route he decided to run it again from South Shields to Newcastle. Because why not? Second was to run on the iconic tyne bridge. I actually ran on the Tyne Bridge where the cars are normally are but not yesterday, yesterday the roads were covered with runner's. Then going underneath the tunnels people were saying 'oggy oggy oggy' towards the end people were saying it though we had no energy to say 'oi oi oi.' Running over the bridge brought me to tears! I was very emotional yesterday.

Lindisfarne, run for home

And they even sang this song, which always gets me. Ever since hearing it in Ryton last year in our local pub at the time just reminded me of all my friends back down south. I was in tears and not just little tears literally sobbing so everyone asked 'Are you OKAY?' I just said yes, it this song. It's weird how a song can bring you to joy but also sadness.

I planned my route out, the first 6 miles was supposed to be a really s-l-o-w pace, then the second half the first half of the half (got that?) was gonna be a really slow parkrun then the second bit of the half a really fast parkrun. What I didn't take into account? Is people. Yes people. Mostly everyone were walking and when you were running it was draining you had to weave in and out of people so sometimes it was quicker to walk than run. How does that even make sense?

Anyhow I made it to the end with a sprint. My instinct is to sprint at the end, don't give me those eyes. When I was younger I used to do running so I can do a mile in a 5 minutes and kilometer in three minutes when I would like to try. I just want to end the run mentally even though my body can easily carry more. Drum roll please. My time was 2hr:58mins:08sec. I'm so chuffed with that, just under three hours with no training mostly walking at a fast pace.

I wanted to phone my Mum saying 'I actually finish the Great North Run, I did it!' Though my phone died or it switched itself off. Hey ho! Why does phone always play up at the moment you need it. I just want my blue hoodie (the one that I'm always wearing). I talked to this person and we were using the same transport to get to town which was the metro. I was so glad we meet each other. Could you imagine queuing a line with no phone, no one to talk to? Me neither. So I got on the metro, it was like back in London on the underground! Yep it was that bad. I went to a shop in the Haymarket (metro station) To ask if I could use a phone to contact Mum to ask where my Mum and Dad are. And this person said yes because A) You ran Great North Run B) The boss is at home. Luckily my folks chose a pub which is two minute walk away and I even had a meal out. And I told my parents and friends, i'm going to run a marathon next. Challenge here I come!!!! With open arms and yes I will do more training this time.

Now phones are weird! I thought my phone was dead, so when I charged my phone up in the pub as you do. I switched it on in order to get to Grandpa's house as I use my phone as a bus ticket. How cool is that? Strava managed to track my run, and even when I was on metro it still managed to track me. How is that even possible? I had to switch my phone on. It makes no sense at all. Technology is now beyond me. You can even get a Garmin watch and pay for something with your watch. That is pretty cool but just weird.

After all that running, i'm having hot coco and rocky roads chocolate brownies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, 11 August 2017

Monthly Musings: June and July

Did you miss me? I know it's been two months since I blogged, how does time just vanish from you that quick. It's not often that you get two Monthly Musings in a row, is it?  In fact, it's not ever that you've had two Monthly Musings in a row. But I have been so busy, busy as meaning living under a rock. Remember in December when I said if I don't blog for such a l-o-n-g time it means that I am reading. 

Well over the last two months I have been doing? (In pictures)

Lots of reading books, here is just a selection. As most of them are from the library which I handed in!
If you can't tell from the t-shirts, I have successfully completed the Blaydon race (1hr 06mins 2sec) and Gateshead 10K (1hr 16mins 5secs) 
Which means I was allowed to have chocolate brownies!

I don't always drink coffee, I also drink tea and eat plenty of chocolate brownies of the last two months! Though it's fine because I run it off. 
Baking!!!!!!!!!!! And eating plenty of cake, if we had no cake in the house,  I will just make it!

Made scones pronounced to make it rhyme with cone! My church just like to rope me in doing things when I drink black coffee! First time, I went to church was to go to the coffee morning got roped in doing messy church. Second time drinking coffee got myself into toddler group. The last time was making 30 scones! This was my third batch the last two looks more like little rock cakes!!!!! Though they would be nice with a pot of tea, clotted cream and strawberry jam. 

Had plenty of pasta when my folks were out for a weekend break. Well I'm doing running, need all my carbohydrates I can get! The pasta I made that has four servings was buttnersquash mac 'n' cheese. 

Cooked myself potato and parsnip gratin with sausages. Though there are no parsnips as I don't like them!!

Tex mex version of mac 'n' cheese. I can live on mac 'n' cheese and chocolate brownies. Not a very good diet, I know.

The old pound coin with the new pound coin

I have rule when making myself hot beverages, which is to stay in the kitchen, as I keep making myself cup of teas in different stages. Entertained myself when the kettle was boiling to make a flower with a big battery as the middle bit of the flower than my hearing aids battery as the petals.

Every year, I make it my intention to taste all the summer specials in Costa. So here is one of them. I forget what it is! Have I told you have a goldfish memory?

I went to Jesmond Dene received a text from my friend to go the hoppings only to look after her bag. Nope!! I managed to get on the rides for free or half of the price. Have no idea how I managed to do that, though I'm still not keen on rides, I enjoyed it to an extent but I wasn't overall happy not like my friend who was just grinning the whole evening! I was grinning went I went home to do knitting! 

Hopefully, I would August wrap up on time!